Ah.. finally! The much awaited blog post.

It's been a while since I last took a look at the blog. Multiple reasons for this. Sheer laziness, my other blog (which too has been not been updated for a while), and a shitload of personal problems that has left me a changed person.

This is not an attempt to vent my frustration at the "other" person in my life... I realise, its pointless. This is just a recollection of how two minds thinking in different planes, separated by considerable distance clashed and the resulted in a personal loss for yours truly. The other person did not seem to have lost much.. or may be she aint showing it. No.. she didn't lose anything after all. I realise it now. Fifteen year old feelings and memories--wiping them out is painful and heartbreaking -- for me at least. I am no longer the same person, my close friends and family members remind me.

For me, post this three month long fiasco, what has changed is my perspective of the world around me, its people, and more importantly, I learned a big lesson at how different people could be. I have been through a mixture of emotions -- anger, anguish, guilt, love, frustration and god knows what. Its that feeling when you are trying your best, with all the goodwill, feelings you have in your mind and the person it's directed at just dismisses it as being non existent. You know, hitting a brick wall? It's similar. And, this coming from the same entity who in the good times had promised to "be with you" at all times, hits you like a boulder on your forehead. Worse is when she disregards the feelings of the people whom I care for and love the most. That really was the last nail in the coffin. Guess, she has her own reasons to do what she did.. and i guess it felt alright for her -- but none of the reasons made sense to me. Thats another story I presume..

Break-ups are common things I guess.. but what happened in my case was complete breakdown of my senses and the wherewithal to look forward to the future. The three-month "saving the relation" period yielded nothing but more anguish and frustration. It went on to the extent of making me feel that the entire world is filled with insensitive, self centred people. For a brief period, I had this feeling of anguish and shall I say, enimity against the entire female race. Flawed logic, really! I know.

Three months, a 508km bike ride, continued insensitivity, appeals to 'talk and resolve the issue', insults and lack of understanding later, I finally began to accept the fact that there are people who do not really deserve all this attention. The person I loved was someone else -- someone who could be angry at what I did, who had the right to yell at me if she wanted to.. but get back to me and pacify me when I was in a state of turmoil  and be supportive at the same time, some one who understands me, someone innocent whom I adored since we were kids, someone who looked forwarded to talk at least a minute with me. At least I was this.. true, I shouted, got angry at times but it all ended in minutes .. I WANTED the other person to be this and more --and as I now recollect, she had stopped being this ages ago. And here I was, trying to join pieces of shredded glass. No wonder it hurt. And badly, it hurt.

Read More...